I just don't get it.

Sometimes I feel like I am living under his shadows. I don't want to, it's never my decision. But this gut feeling in me just hurts so much every time my mum tells me his successful stories.

"Do you know what his CGPA is?"

"It's 3.75!"

Damn it.

I feel it's as if I am trying too hard to be a good at what I am at.

Aku tak suka, aku tak suka!

I maybe too emotional for my own good. But it has been my nature. Changing is one thing, but proving a statement is much harder than just saying it's true.

The things he say, the way he says it. It hurts so much. I try to take all the things he does to hurt me, the words he used, the insults, and become as optimistic as possible. Telling myself that it is only because he cares about me. Putting the pressure on me so I would become a better person.

But, maybe I do not want this pressure forced upon me.

I wonder why can't I just have normal siblings. I get jealous, I get truly jealous at the people who have great relationships with their brothers and sisters. Envious, green-eyed.

I want to kick myself in the head every single bloody time I think about all this.

And here I am again, blogging about it.

Heh.

I contradict myself. A whole lot I should say.


But, easier said than done. Right?